Then, Where, and Now

Today, he sits on a bench confused on how he got there. Confused on who he even is. He always knew who she was though. His best friend (who while the world around him thought he had long forgotten) is someone he would always have memorized. His someone that he wouldn't even let a mind- mutilating disease take. Her memory was stored meticulously the moment he saw her. So, that moment is where we start.

Billy was only 22 with wildly undecided jet black hair. Much like his hair, he was undecided about pretty much everything. That is until he met Hailie. Billy had been working construction steadily while still making those important decisions. It was good money and paid for his own place; put food on the table. However, what his job couldn't pay for is what gave him the strong will to be indecisive in the future of this career path. He could work well with his hands and get by day-to-day. To everyone he seemed content but inside he was screaming, "A LITTLE MORE PURPOSE!". So, in the midst of all the confusion surrounding him, he found clarity sitting at the Kicking Buck. He was at the bar table with co-workers, ordering a beer on tap after a long week of work. There Miss Hailie Lacwall would be having a heated argument (which Hailie would spend years later explaining, "It was a discussion, not an argument.") with a rather too friendly and too handsy drunk. Then, Billy saw the dragging drunk, drag his hand a little too far on Miss Hailie. As Billy pushed his stool out from under him to rescue the damsel in distress, Hailie took her hand and dragged it into a fist landing on the face of Mr. Hands. Clarity. Billy was hooked. He would say in all the years to come that when he first saw Hailie she was in the middle of a bar fight. Hailie would have to further explain, "It was not a fight. Just a punch."

Billy, off of his stool, ran over to this eye-catcher. Reeled in like a fish on bait. She was sighing and wincing. She was holding her hand close to her hip and yet still holding a beer in the other hand. To say this impressed Billy would be an understatement. He put his hand in a stranded soda glass on the bar and pulled out the ice cubes and quickly wrapped it in a napkin. He placed the homemade icepack on the tuckered-out fist. Holding her hand in his, he said, "Hi, I'm Billy; Big fan." Hailie put the beer down now and reached out to shake Billy's free hand, "Hailie. I don't do autographs, mostly because I can't anymore." While she was ready to cry from all the throbbing pain due to the poorly maneuvered hit, she could not help but smile. Smiling with only a few tears loosened. She saw something right then and there. Right in Billy and it was a moment where she knew her life could never and would never be the same again.

Before they knew it, they were a part of one another's' lives every single day. Like a wildfire on a hot day that catches from tree to tree, they were more than a spark. Billy would run across town at lunch break to visit Hailie and her 4th graders. Him and Hailie would demonstrate the Jitter Bug dance for the children, sing a duet, or read a story. The students would start to call lunch break, "dinner and a show." Afterwards, Hailie would meet at Billy's and pick raspberries through the neighbour' s fence in his backyard. In that very backyard, they would sink on the grass and watch the night sky, even if it was mucky. They couldn't always see the stars but the odd time, that was all they could see. Either way she was happy. If the sky was blanketed then they would talk more and learn something new about one another. If the stars were displayed, they would sit in silence and fiddle with their intertwined hands while admiring the beauty of all the mystery above. He was happy either way too. Stars or not, he always admired the beauty. She was his light and while right beside him, someday he felt like she may go far away. She may be farther than the stars. Even so, he would be grateful for the idea that he may still be able to see her on the odd night too. Now close, but far eventually- he was sure.

20 years later they were bundled up with 3 little ones and then stripped of a possibility of Hailie to help raise them further. An aggressive carcinoma with potential of only 8-10 months left together. How could he lose his clarity? His star.

In bed the children would all lay on the impressed outskirts of their mother's deteriorating body that was drowning in the oceans of blankets. Each child lay so delicately and preciously into the curves of their beloved parent. Every once in a while, Hailie would have just enough fight to brush her fingers through the little ones' hair. Every once in a while, when Billy would lay near, she would have just enough strength to trace his hand. Just as they used to under the stars.

On a night, close to the last, Billy rolled close into the nestle of Hailie's neck. "Remember how I could take away the pain with that ice? The night we met?" Billy continued, "I don't think ice will work this time babe, I don't know what to do." Billy began to cry into the oceans. He became an ocean. In a harsh whisper he kept pushing, "This isn't right. This isn't fair! I can't watch you in all this pain!" Billy could no longer catch his breathe. He was broke.

Hailie pressed her forehead to his, "The ice did absolutely nothing Bill. You holding my hand was the only thing from enduring all the god-awful sensations and emotions. Always good and bad, you beside me is what keeps me from crumbling into a thin piece of paper." Billy and Hailie looked at one another, Billy looking her up and down, and with a smirk on her face said, "Ok, from a thinner piece of paper. But I am not crumbled, right?"

"You would never be crumbled," Billy agreed. Much like their first encounter, hand in hand, Hailie smiled with only a few tears collapsing on her cheeks.

Billy lived under a covered sky for years. Hailie was nowhere to be seen after month 10. He would get a glimpse of her when his daughter made a similar facial expression. Even slightly when his son punched another student for bullying someone. Billy thought, "Just like his mama."

After the kids had grown and started their own lives, Billy's life would slow down. Then, he would become as indecisive as he once was before he met his wife. He was indecisive because he was now forgetful. Yet, the more forgetful he became, the more of Hailie he could see. A clearer sky.

It was not long until the children decided their father needed more around-the- clock care. His dementia was progressing and Dad no longer knew his children. The children felt like they didn't know him anymore either. Everyone around Billy thought Billy was gone; not all there. They had pity for him and would ache when Billy would start to call a nurse, "Hailie." They thought it was sad because his wife could not come and see him. They thought he would be missing her for years on end and not understand why she was never around. Nurses, his children, even strangers would hurt for Billy and his illness. Billy was somewhere else though. They were right; he was gone.

Billy was very much with Hailie. He could see her everywhere. The light was bright in his reality and he didn't feel confused. He felt very much at home. He would wake up next to his wife and be 22, again. He could taste the raspberries, see her face, and hold her hand. She wasn't in pain and he knew that was because they were right beside one another. Her memory was stored safe and sound. He lives with her then, where, and now.