Purple Days

I’d have nightmares.

But in the middle of the night I’d wake up to turn a light on and at the time, my step-mom thought, “Well maybe TV time would settle her.” I was allowed about a half hour in the middle of the night so that the nightmares could escape me and my mind would then only be filled with the joys of good time TV. My step-mom was a social worker so she had to be creative, adaptable, and look past the bull shit. I think she applied that same knowledge to her newfound motherhood.

So given that; it became apparent that my nightmares had most likely eased and I was simply looking for a scapegoat. The new strategy would be a late night snack. My step-mom bought me gold fish, and viewed this as the lesser evil. She would wake up with me and give me gold fish if I had a “nightmare." Granted, snack time was only for 5 minutes instead of the half an hour I was given with TV, but I also got to be with her.

In the mornings, I would put my hand on the wood panelled walls and lean slightly out my bedroom doorway. From there, I could follow her fragranced shampoo dampened in her hair and could hear her drying her hair into blackened bouncy rings. I had envy for that hair and I think she knew that, which is why she would make time to style my hair too. There was dark purple butterfly clips she would place in my hair. She’d start on my left side and push back a section, then clip. Almost as if she made a crown with these butterfly clips along my hairline. I felt loved by her, she saw me as her queen, but she was mine. A butterfly crown on her head or not.

Losing someone who matters- who really matters, has got to be the most hurtful thing. Someone, who sees you just as you are and loves you so indefinitely. Then to have that all be black. As if, none of it happened or none of it mattered. However, there might be a little colour to it after all.

What was, is all that it can be. That is sad but it is also, great. Great in a sense that, it is such an unwritten, gapped ending. Space to fill, forever.

My step-mom and I had a short time together and still, that time will always be forever. All of what we should've had or could've had was lived in the timeframe we were given. We didn't take advantage of that, we embraced that. To me, she will always be young and kind. Always loving and be loved. She'll always be dropping grocery bags at the front porch to dance in the rain. Always helping me dress up the dogs in controversial outfits. Forever, this will be. The home I have for gold fish crackers and butterfly hair clips is sheltered within. Sheltered in those spaces to fill.